Office Candy

Don't shit where you eat. Don't buy your candy where you buy your groceries. Don't dip your pen in the company ink. Don't shit on your own doorstep. The previous terms originated in the 40's and are commonly used today as alternate ways of saying don't do THE DO with people you work with.

I wish someone would have given me the DON'T SLEEP WITH CO-WORKERS book FOR DUMMIES. Maybe then I would only be a 2 or 3 time loser. I had no idea what the other references meant and all I could think was "why in the hell would I shit on my own doorstep?"
At any rate, I learned a hard and valuable lesson through it all. I'll never sleep with the same co-worker more than ten times.

Sleeping with a co-worker isn't really the taboo thing that people make it out to be. But, developing a relationship with a co-worker is a whole different animal and should be avoided at all costs. 

However, everyone isn't capable of having a casual fling with a co-worker or anyone else. If this is you, I suggest you visit the battery or lotion aisle in Walmart or try your luck with match.com. Work is tough and draining, hence the name. Office flings should be used to reduce the tension of the day and should never at any rate induce stress for either participant. When emotions are involved, the stress is sure to come.

Another popular saying that also derived in the 40's is "there's no such thing as a free lunch". This adage translates to - you can't get something for nothing. Putting that in mind of our current conversation if you want the office sex, you better be ready for everything else that's going to come with it.

I'm sitting here in my home office and I had to stop to remind my receptionist, a female Basset Hound named Sam that she has nothing to worry about. I mean, I have hit on her a few times at the Christmas party but she wasn't that into me.

Men, this memo is written as a reminder to us. We tend to look at the workplace as our personal stalking ground where even the ugliest girl gets cute if you see them long enough. We also suck at temptation, just ask that Adam dude. My suggestion is to  leave the boning of the co-workers to the professionals; Clinton, Beetah, Letterman and all the fledgling porn stars.
Zip it up.

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Shake My Funny Maker

This is my first bit of useless info for 2010. I’ve been sitting here wondering why it has taken 10 days to put out a message on the blog called The Daily Deuce. I guess sitting on the couch with one hand tucked in the top of my pants was more appealing. Then again, I’ve never put out a daily blog and when have you met a motivated pot head?

It has also taken me 10 days to balance my checkbook. As you can see I’m starting out on the wrong foot towards saving and making money. I was watching the news and I heard the recession is over. If that’s true, why am I considering work as a male dancer to pay off Christmas gifts? Bown chikka bown bown.

I have 354 more days to work out some creative ways to drum up extra cash this year. The market for a fat, middle aged male stripper is probably non-existent so I’ll have to spend my time on another equally challenging pursuit.

I want to offer additional ethnic television channels. Black people have BET (Black Entertainment Television). That leaves the market wide open for TV networks geared towards ethnic groups.

• HET (Hindu Entertainment Television). Okay, maybe not. HET sounds too much like HATE. The timing for them is a little off right now. Sorry guys.

• LET (Latin Entertainment Television). On second thought, this would probably not work. Equal scheduling would need to be split between Mexicans, Cubans and Puerto Ricans. I know, I know – it was a shock to me too when I found they weren’t the same.

• WET (White Entertainment Television). It kinda sounds like a gay porn variety channel, but I think it would work. After some quick research, I won’t make any money on this one either. I just checked my 248 channels and WET is currently up and running already under a few different names (NBC, ABC, CBS, FOX, LIFETIME, A&E, USA, TNT, TBS etc).

I guess that brings me back to male dancer or pot salesman and I don’t have the mental strength to just sell the pot. I’d have to sample it – daily. Daily samples would lead to zero sales. I saw Scarface “don’t get high on your own supply”.
~
I just took a break and looked at my money maker to see if I could make it as a male dancer. I have a beer gut like a pregnant woman in her last trimester and chest and pubic hair thicker than Kimbo Slice’s beard.

I think I have a chance.