Lying, Tiger & Smears! Oh My

By now, everyone in the free world has heard stories of Tiger Woods and the multiple women reporting they had lasting affairs with the pro golfer. I'm getting ready for a press conference shortly to tell how Tiger seduced me too (I could use the extra Christmas money).

The act of being unfaithful isn't new. It doesn't make Tiger any less of a man. It doesn't make him a lesser father. It damn sure didn't negatively impact his golfing ability, or did it?

The active pro golfers should be thankful for the string of women he had to keep him busy. It's probably the reason they were able to eek out a win here and there.

Our fake outward values as a society will prompt many to openly condemn Tiger and provide emotional support to his wife Elin during this hard time. But, none of it really matters. First of all, we have no idea what their home situation is and second, men cheat. It's not a slam to men, it's what we do. Now, I don't want anyone to be confused and assume I'm saying only men cheat because that would be the biggest fallacy of all.

Women cheat also, but the majority of them that do stray are usually seeking emotional support. Men keep it simple. We cheat for the sex. Because we cheat for sex, we're often found in situations where the woman we're cheating with isn't on the same level as the woman we're in a relationship with. This isn't always the case ladies. But, if you catch your man cheating with someone that lives in a trailer park don't get mad, she lives in a trailer park.

Once we figure out how to get sex, we keep working and reworking that plan to be as successful as possible. Before you ask, "why doesn't he just have sex with his wife"?
Maybe he tried that and it wasn't good or consistent. Or maybe they  had sex daily. He's a Tiger!! The hunt is just as good as the meal.

I picture him waking up every morning singing that damn Frosted Flakes song to himself.

Who Has More Fun?

Most of us have heard the age old question "who has more fun Blondes, Brunettes or Redheads?" I have a better question - since when have guys paid attention to hair color?

A more accurate poll is to ask who has more fun, women with big breasts or those with an amazing backside?

The models in the pic above wouldn't qualify for the new poll as they look like they haven't eaten this year.

I'm sitting here trying to think this through without bias and it hit me that other than Dolly Parton's song "Islands In The Stream", I can't think of another song dedicated to breasts. However, the pop music charts are full of lyrics and titles dedicated to the female posterior.

Not only am I obviously biased I think the rest of the country has silently sided with me too. If I could grant one wish this year, it wouldn't be peace on earth or to bring troops home from the war (Hmmm... I need to go re-read that Obama extraction aka surge aka WTF do I do plan). Sorry, I got sidetracked for a second... My one wish would be J-Lo asses for all the pretty women in the country. I truly apologize to all the ugly women, but even a nice ass won't help you.

In my life I've had the pleasure of knowing a gorgeous blonde with an amazing rack, a brunette with an incredibly, curvaceous body and a redhead that could be J-Lo Jr. But, without the special body parts I wouldn't even remember their hair color. Come to think of it, I may have to consult my Blackberry to find their names.

Those are my biased thoughts (the cheeks win), but what do you think?

Know Your Roll

4 X 4. This isn’t a reference to a utility vehicle. These are the baffling measurements of the common household toilet paper. With that I have one question in mind – why?

 

Since when has a 4 inch sheet of toilet paper been sufficient enough to wipe your ass? It may be enough paper square footage for a guy to use after he pees, but I challenge you to find a guy that will actually do that. That’s why we wear underwear.

 

Last year, Sheryl Crow jokingly mentioned only using one square of TP in her quest to keep the earth green and an effort to fight global warming.  Well, whether or not I agree with the color of her cause, her underwear sure would’ve been brown.

 

I say, as an effort to fight global warming, the TP companies should push their paper perforators back to 12 to 18 inches to encourage proper wiping. This will cut down on electricity and the extra water needed to double wash the soil stained titey-whiteys.

 

Here’s a good rule of thumb to gauge if you’re using enough toilet-paper: Your hand should look like you dipped it in a cotton candy machine. If you can feel your skin through the paper, you don’t have enough.

F#ck It Day!

Fuck it days for everyone.

Most of us have the ability to differentiate between what's morally right or wrong. The individuals that challenge what's socially acceptable are possibly the last of the real free thinkers. Our society has taught us to hide our true feelings about race, religion and ethnic backgrounds for fear of offending some poor soul.

Fuck it -

Offend everyone. We could all benefit from a reality check about where we stand in this world. If we didn't have opposing views, this would be a boring life. Our differences define us for the perceived good or bad that we have to offer.

We should take a moment to celebrate those that dared to be different and stick to what they truly believed in.

White Supremacists have Black Supremacists. Crips have Bloods. Homosexuals have Homophobes. Christians have every other non-Christian religion. The Rich have the Democrats.

Stand up for what you believe in, regardless of what anyone else thinks. If you let someone else dictate your views, you only have yourself to blame.

My Fuck It for today is to sit down and actually try to watch a whole hour of Nancy Grace. I'm offended she has a TV show. Uselessness sells!

For The Love of Potato Chips.....

If I didn't have such a strong desire for beer, pizza, potato chips and lounging around on my couch, I would have the best set of abs ever.
I could even give up the beer or for my abs sake, maybe switch to Michelob Ultra. I can even stay away from noshing down slices of pizza while splayed out on my couch. But, I'm not sure I can give up on my potato chip addiction.
Can you imagine how pitiful I would look on Intervention?
Just like most addicts, we're particular. I don't like all chips. There are only a few potato chips that would make me have a tough time choosing between buying them and say - paying a bill.
My all time favorite potato chip is Middleswarth Bar-B-Q, commonly found in central Pennyslvania. It's worth a 10 hour drive to PA. I usually stock my car up with a few bags and boxes of chips and in most cases, I'll return to Atlanta with one small bag. I'll have to be smarter in the future and put some in the trunk instead of within arms reach.
And then there's Baked Lays. OMG! I never imagined a company so big could mass produce something so delicious. The flavor is pretty basic, but they have the right crunch and just the right amount of salt.
This is just a preliminary report, I'll have to do some research in the local area. Does Atlanta have a favorite chip??

Uber Goop??

Uber GoopIt would make more sense to label this as a shameless plug. but, it's not so shameless since I won't get a nickel for this. But, holy hell!!! If there was ever a retarded invention I wish I could've thought of as a home business, this would've been it.
While looking online at prices for replacement dishwasher racks I stumbled upon this rinky-dink mom and pop operation that saved me the price of a new dishwasher rack and ultimately a new dishwasher.
I haven't received the product yet. I'm just amazed that this exists and in my many attempts to get rich quick somehow this opportunity never popped in my head. WTF?!

Monday, Monday

As I sit here hopping from one newsfeed to the next trying to stay on top of the latest local tragedies, I wonder what actually brings someone to the point where they feel it’s a great idea to take another person’s life.

My usually peaceful yet brake-light filled trip home ended with marked and unmarked police cars lining the side of my street. Onlookers stood around with hands in pockets trying to make sense of all the commotion. I wondered too.

A neighbor (or at least I hope she was) informed me there was a triple shooting and at least one person was dead. I was floored.

Now, I don’t want to lead on that I live in Mayberry, but damn! This is way too close for comfort. The details about the event are still sketchy. All I know is it didn’t appear to be related to a home invasion – per the police.

What would it take to get me to the point of taking someone’s life? I’m sure if a person hurt my children (dogs included) I could easily slip into a special place in my head where I’d want to cause extreme harm. Maybe that’s what happened last night. Who knows?

I feel violence may be justified if it’s in the act of protecting or defending one’s kids. But, violence should never come from two adults disagreeing on a certain subject; yet that seems to be the underlying problem in most cases.

Instead of tougher gun laws, we could all benefit from classes to teach us how to be more effective communicators. Or at a minimum, send us to the same school the people from DMV must attend. The one where they’re obviously taught not to give a damn about anything other than smoke breaks.

If a person feels they need to pull a gun to express their point, they should at least do it honorably. Back to back and walk 10 paces, and out in the woods where no one else can be harmed by their senseless behavior.

Just in case I can’t figure out which school my DMV heroes attended, I’m going to look up my local laws on gun ownership. I think I hear the theme to The Sopranos playing in the background.